Having children doesn’t mean your love life has to end. When you bring a child into the world it’s the most amazing time, but also the most difficult. There are hormones raging, your boobs sag, you gain stretch marks and you now have a muffin top. You no longer feel sexy, attractive and sometimes you feel unwanted.
Keeping the spark alive and romance can sometimes feel like an effort. The shift from mum and dad to husband and wife can be a tricky transition.
Unfortunately if there is no intimacy in your relationship you can sometimes grow apart, snap at each other and live separate lives.
Love is a choice and you can have your happy ever after…. even with children.
Here are my 6 tips to create a happy, sustainable partnership.
1. Actions speak louder than words
We can say ‘I love you’ and mean it, but there is nothing more appealing than showing it. Physical touch should be happening regularly- and I’m talking about outside the bedroom too!I know, it’s hard to snuggle up when you’re holding the baby, or your kids are climbing all over you, or demanding they want something. But it’s important to be intentional in your relationship so you keep that closeness. From a hug and kiss when you’re partner comes home from work, to giving each other a massage when the kids are asleep. A smile when you pass each other, or a cheeky tap on the bum, holding hands in the car. Its good for children to see you both being in a loving, strong relationship. Remember you are the ones teaching them.
2. Make a date
Remember dating each other is what made you fall in love in the first place, so it makes sense to keep ‘dating’ to stay in love. Making sure you prioritise time for each other is very important.
If you are both working parents, why not try lunch dates? Or when you get home you could cook together, do the dishes together.
I know it’s hard when there are children around but having that time for just the two of you will be beneficial to the relationship.
If you can get a babysitter make sure you spend the time with undivided attention, make the most out of spending time without the kids, and not just talking about the kids, talk about yourselves. Take time for being who you are.A great idea I heard from a client was her and her husband would turn up to the date separately and role-play, they would pretend they had only just met and sometimes pretend they where different people. It really spiced things up for them.
3. Lets talk about sex baby
Yes making love to each other is one of the best ways to stay in love. Did you know that regular sex has been to help you: be less stressed, gain more confidence, have less headaches, look younger, lose weight and have less wrinkles, I mean, who wouldn’t want those benefits as well as the pleasure?
Yes it is more difficult when the kids come along, and you’re tired, and maybe feel less sexy or desired as you once did. But it is a vital part of keeping your relationship alive. Its worth any time and effort to improve it. Again communication is key; tell your partner what you want. Be open to explore new things. Talk about your fantasies. If you have been together for a long time sometimes discussing both your feelings and preferences- even if you think you know your partner, things change over time. Always be open to learning what one another enjoy.
4. Love notes
I love this, when your partner leaves you an unexpected note to tell you he loves you. Or what about keeping a notebook and everyday write a little note of something they did, or something they said that you liked. At the end of the month, or year show him. Or do it together so he has one and you have one and set a date to read them together. This really works well for making you both realise why you are together and what you love about each other.
5. Transition from mum to you mode
Its so important not to be in mum mode al the time and make sure you are you. Of course being a parent is a 24/7 job, but so is being a wife/partner. Get a good bedtime routine for your kids and then when they are asleep take some time for you, whether it be a hot bath, shower or some form of exercise to take the days stresses away. Whatever is right for transitioning from mum to you?
If you focus on making yourself happy you will be a much better person. We often as parents neglect ourselves, which isn’t good for anyone. Put yourself first sometimes, if you are happy it reflects onto everyone else, and you will be able to handle the stresses and strains of being a mum much better.
6. Never give up
It’s a lifetime commitment, especially if you are married. It’s about forgiving, learning and growing with each other over and over again.
Where there is love, there is life.
So there you go my 6 tips to revving up those intimacy issues after having children. I hope some of them can help you ignite the passion back into your relationship.
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